Depression, Dreams & Dark Drum and Bass.

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An Icelandic Coin

Chiron, representing the wounded healer in me, sits in exact conjunction on my Aries Midheaven. My ambitious legacy will be to share my wounds with others so that others they might find healing. Rising Leo with Mars and Mercury in the first house, I am a natural extrovert. This is obvious. I can barely contain myself at times. As a Cancer Sun and Moon, however,  I can easily scuttle away into my shell for extended durations. I have found this to be in line with the patterns of depression I endure in life. A North Node in Capricorn asks me to consider my toolkit, my skill-kit per say, of practical know-how in pulling myself out of the elevator shaft of emotions.

What healthy things do I do in periods of darkness?

  • Vitamin D 5,000 EU daily for at least a week
  • Become very aware of my sugar intake: Eliminate sugar and simple carbs

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    River in Vilnius: I like to sit by a river during times of darkness
  • Lemon balm tea
  • Hydrate and eat lots of berries
  • Take in a workout: Cycle is my favorite
  • Fish Oil
  • Call Shakti Elaine my shadow work counselor
  • Listen to LOUD DARK drum and bass music
  • Go Dancing with Christan Cirrus Hope
  • Long baths with rue herbs and and flowers
  • Call the root doctor Curtis: who will recommend adding basil juice and fresh coconut water to my bath.
  • Put on a wild and funky outfit
  • Moon bathe & Moon cry
  • Listen to my astrology reading by Jyoti Wind to remember a broader perspective of life.
  • Sit at Whole Foods all day while I work and drink coffee
  • Sit by a river, run to the ocean, bathe in a waterfall.
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A church in Vilnius I came across on a daily walk

It was only recently that I allowed myself without judgement to sit in darkness. My recent past summer was like this spent contemplating a near death experience and soulmate abandonment. With help, I began to uncover the shadow sides of my inner self, understanding her, listening to her, forgiving him, giving her safe space. I struggled with a recurring dream that I was running from something and I was terrified. Always in the dream I was in a murky environment in the dark, rowing away, swimming away, crawling away, looking behind my shoulder. They were chasing me. I was traumatized.

One night as I sat alone in my room listening to dark drum and bass music an epiphany came to me. That Mi in my dreams running away was my teenage self. She had split off, dissociated from me when it was not safe for her to stay present. Abuse, secrecy and hidden realms drove her away. She was (We were) shot during the tender age of 16, when I woke up in the hospital I was alive but she had fled.

46523476_10157030639877792_6243924391504117760_nNow that I was doing shadow work she was afraid that I would find her. Dark Drum and Bass music triggered an interpretation of these night terrors. It was her, scared and terrified. It was my dissociated teenage self. I was able to follow up by telling her it was OK. She could come home now. We can be whole again. I will create a safe space for my traumatized inner lost teenager. She came back into me and I have not had the dream since.

My love partner dumped me and as a result I found my inner dissociated teen. Thank you Foxy?

Thank you shadow worker, thank you cybershaman of dark music, thank you dark summer of drum and bass, thank you moon, thank you basil juice and coconuts. I never realized that darkness was so necessary on my path toward healing and recovery.

I am in Lithuania and it is dark here. It is so quiet and peaceful in this neighborhood, the Independent Republic of Užupiz. It is drastically different than London and 100% opposite of Bogota. Bogota is loud all night and shrouded in graffiti and murals. Vilnius is sparkling and settles in early. Daylight begins at 10am and ends at 4pm. It is 7 hours ahead of my EST hometown. Due to this I have an affliction of jet lag and a couple of times I have found myself waking up past 4pm having missed the entire day of light.

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The chandelier in the Salt Cathedral of Zipaqueria outside if Bogota. 200 meters underground.

My head is hazy from the surreal time change yet I can begin to hear my voice.  Especially once I tune out the background static. At one point I realized that while I was here in Lithuania, really I was still back home enmeshed in the day to day drama of an ex soulmate who keeps making promises, an ex rebound who sends false hopes, a current suitor tangled up in a standoff with my protective best guy friend. Sometimes we have to clear the background noise so we can listen more deeply. In a climax of urgency I blocked all of them.

(whispered boh) Things just got really quiet. I can hear more clearly now the soft voice in my soul of what I need next. The timing is ideal as I head for Pilgrimage to the Hill of Crosses to honor my ancestors in death and to unburden the crosses I bear in this life.

Here are my music selections to accompany the mood of my post:

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